*You are the only one I love... to love.*

I wonder what it would be like to live in a world without clocks and calendars and agendas and deadlines. Honestly, I'm not sure I would be able to do it. Even on "relaxing" vacations, I always have to have a plan or at least the makings of a plan in my head.

It's the same thing every day. Wake up, shower, drive to work, tea, breakfast, work, lunch, work, meetings, work, drive home. For what? Retirement. Now, there's something to look forward to...

When I was 8, I wanted to be 14. When I was 14, I wanted to be 17. When I was 17, I wanted to be 24. Now that I am 24, I'm not sure which direction I head if I had the choice. Would I want to be older and more "wiser"? Or would I want to go back to being a teenager and have no "real" responsibilities yet?

"Control your own destiny or someone else will." -Jack Welch

"One meets his destiny often in the road he takes to avoid it." - French Proverb

These quote probably means the most to me. I am not a big fan of people telling me what to do so why would I want someone else to control my destiny? And I am a very strong believer in signs. There are things at work beyond our control and your eyes always have to be open to seeing what your destiny wants you to see. There are just so many outside factors that influence decisions. I wish I could make a promise to myself that, from this moment forward, I would not avoid great opportunities just because I don't think that it is possible, or that I don't have the money, or some other excuse that I'm sure could be handled given the right situation. But I'm scared. I think I'm most afraid of making the wrong decisions. But then again, isn't everyone at my age?

*I want to change the world. Instead I sleep.*

I pray for the days when I am inspired. Last week, after our meeting to smooth out all of the details of our commitment to lose weight, I felt good. Really good. I felt like I could take on the world. This happens often. I'd say 2-3 times per month I feel inspired to change my life. I want to get into photography. I want to learn ballet. I want to learn how to play the violin and guitar and piano. I want to learn Spanish and Russian and Italian. I want to volunteer with so many different groups. I want to travel to many different places and meet new people. I feel like I should conquer some mini battles, such as losing weight, before I can move on to any of these very large ones stated above. I have been struggling with losing weight for quite some time now and if I can't get to a place I am happy about with, then I should just give up in the rest!

I wish I knew where I could meet people that would inspire me to change. I wish I didn't give up so easily.

"Congratulations. You have no idea what you've gotten yourself into."

I realized that I haven't written in forever but my justification for that is the beginning of my new job. I am started on my birthday, which was almost a month ago! I am settling in and graduation is now over so we can breathe a sigh of relief and start focusing on our actual departments... mine being athletics. I am waiting for my business cards to come in and then I will begin to set up appointments with the head coaches and their staff to talk about our services. I'm very nervous but also super excited. I can't wait for this job to really begin!

The apartment is good, although I do wish I was spending a little more time in it. I have so much going on and I think it might be time to step back a little from all of it. Unfortunately, a lot of what I have planned I can't step back from. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore... but I guess I never really did. All I know is that I can't take it anymore and will be doing something about it as soon as possible. I can't believe that it's only been a month and a half since I m0ved out. It seems like forever but October is right around the corner. My lease is up in October and, while I don't really need to figure this out now, I'm not sure what I'll be doing then.

In the previous post, I stated "It's hard to understand how all of this is going to work but I now know it all will." I'm not really sure I believe that anymore. It has been almost 5 months since the layoff and I don't feel like I've accomplished much of anything. Yes I have found a great job but it hasn't started to take off yet so I'm not sure if that counts. Other aspects count though. I think it might be time for me to cleanse my life of some unhealthy relationships, a process which I have already started. I have to have faith but at times like this it's hard to. I just keep telling myself to focus on work and I hope that mentality kicks in soon. The next few weeks should be able to tell me a lot. Then maybe I can move forward.

"It is! It is the Easter Beagle!"

Happy Easter!! It's almost 4pm and I can't believe I haven't had Easter dinner yet. I have been thinking all day about being at my Gramma's house, which was where I was planning on being before I got the job. We usually would eat around 12-12:30pm, after church, and be relaxing on the couch the rest of the day! This was of course after finding the Easter Basket that the Easter Bunny hid for you the night before! We would walk into the house and the overwhelming smell of cooked ham and all the pies and chocolate took over! She always has this enormous basket of candy with the green grass and peeps, jelly beans, chocolate eggs, chocolate coins that were crispy or plain or peanut butter, and you always had to get to the basket early to get a Cadbury Creme Egg because those always went fast! At dinner there would be a piece of chocolate in foil with a bunny on everyone's napkin. The dinner candles would be wax bunnys and there would be all sorts of eggs and bunny figures on the table. The table cloth was Easter themed and the aunts would be pretending they were bunnys or making some comment on the Easter Bunny coming to Gram's the night before. All the younger kids would be begging to eat the candy before dinner and they were usually allowed to have one piece. All of us would tell our life update over and over to the aunts, uncles, and cousins that we haven't seen in forever.

I could never wrap my head around the idea that this day and other holidays were always the same. The tradition was always there and that was something you could count on. You always knew what to expect and had that to look forward to. It was home <3.

Halleluia! The Lord has risen. Let us rejoice and be glad!

These boxes will not unpack themselves.

Day one in the new apartment and I am already starting to feel at home... the living room is still a mess and I still can't find half the things I'm looking for but hopefully I can get a lot more done before I have to leave. Tonight I am going to watch the Tarheels become the champs yet again with some new friends. It's funny because I thought this day in particular would be harder than it has been but maybe that's because I'm trying my hardest not to think about things too much. That is a bad habit I am trying desperately to break.

I stopped by the library on my way home after seeing my friend, Dr. Taylor, the chiropractor, to pick up a book. It's apparently "The Smart Girl's Breakup Buddy", or so says the cover. "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken" will hopefully be my best friend and motivator for however long I need it to be. I know it seems that I might be putting a lot of faith in a book but what else do I have to hold on to at the moment?

I had my final interview at UNC on Friday. I met with my boss and her boss so that he could agree with my boss that I am the best candidate for the job. He did agree and I now have a job. Finally. I'm nervous that I'm not more excited. I think I used up all my excitement the moment I stepped out of the interview. I just wish that it wasn't taking so long. It feels like this process has been going on for months now, which in some meanings it has, but in actuality it started only thirteen days ago. They are running a background check now and my boss should call me by Friday to set up a time for next week to officially begin things. I think I might just be on "change-overload". First day in my new apartment, first official day of knowing I have a new job, and first day of being single, really and truly single, in almost 10 years. What a year it has already been.

I feel really lucky though to have what I have now. I know I couldn't have been alright a few years ago if all this was happening then. I am so thankful for all the new and really good people that I have in my life now and, of course, all the old and really good people that have been in my life for a long time! It's hard to understand how all of this is going to work but I now know it all will.

With that said, I should get back to unpacking this new life!

*Keep on moving, keep climbing, keep the faith, baby. It's all about the climb.*

In just a few hours I will have my second apartment. I've tried to start packing/ reorganizing what is already packed but it's hard to know where to start. I just moved into the house a few weeks ago and now everything is getting moved again. It's a little crazy but it couldn't have happened any other way. I didn't want to renew my lease at the old apartment, and I'm glad I didn't because I wouldn't have had the ability to pay the past few months rent. I think the hardest part is all of our stuff being mixed in together and realizing that some things aren't mine anymore. I'm really not sure how things will turn out. J and I have been great for the past few weeks, or at least I think we have, but that's probably due to the fact that we both know it's changing, for better or worse. We just aren't ready for this anymore. Now all I need is to hear from UNC that I got the job and I will be set!!

"We've decided to pursue other candidates whose experience more closely fit our current need."

I think the hardest part of the past 2 months, has been trying to explain to everyone around me what happened. The simplest way to describe it is... I've changed.

12.5 million people in the United States are unemployed. 4.4 million jobs have been lost since January 2008.*

I know I'm not alone. But losing my job affected me in a way that I never thought possible. I actually see the world differently now. I see my future differently which is where most of my issues come from.

After graduating at the end of 2007, I felt a lot of pressure to get into a career, most of that pressure being in my head, telling me that if I didn't land that job by the end of the summer I was a failure, that I would be that much further behind than everyone else, that I'm not good enough. So I was incredibly happy when I landed the job I did, now wondering if I was truly qualified for it or I had just been lucky enough to know "someone", which was how I got the interview. Regardless, I fell in love with this job, completely oblivious to my fate. It sounds funny now that I read it... that I could care so deeply about a position I was in for only 4 short months but I saw the road ahead, what I thought was my road, and I did not want to turn back. So how did I end up here? Was it my fault? I don't know. Yes, I made mistakes but what person wouldn't? If I didn't make those mistakes would I still be there? I don't think so.

I'm numb. That is the BEST description of how I have been feeling for the past... month or so. And I say month because the first week it felt like a dream. I went to New York and it just felt like I was on vacation. Subconsciously, I thought that when I got back Monday morning, I'd be back at work. In reality, when I got back that weekend, it all hit. I was in some sort of a shock but I was determined. I made up my mind to start looking for jobs in Washington DC. I knew it would be hard trying to find work, I just didn't know how hard. I also didn't really think about all the important parts that made up a decision that big. But for a month straight, treating it like it was my full-time job, I searched and researched and applied and called. And finally got an interview. I had about a month between landing the interview and the actual date. My hopes were to schedule at least a few more interviews that week to avoid multiple trips and too much spending but it didn't work out that way. It was the only interview I had scheduled and, honestly, the only call back I had received. By the time it came around, I was more than discouraged. I thought the interview had gone well. I guess I was wrong. A few days ago, the rejection email was in my inbox.

Even though the job situation consumes my life, I have also been trying to lose weight. I have been trying to find encouragement anywhere I can. After watching The Biggest Loser tonight, it left me wondering if I'll ever reach my weight loss goals. It's a hard thing not to have someone around who shares the same goals. I'm not saying I don't have support, because I do! But it's hard to match lifestyles with a person who has a much different life than you. That's why shows like The Biggest Loser work so well obviously. I've read a ton of magazines, changed a lot of my eating habits, have been exercising so much more, and I haven't lost anything. Something needs to change.

My goal is to lose at least 30 lbs. That means if I start losing 5 lbs. per week I could be at my goal weight by May 2. Cut stress, cut calories, cut sugar, cut portions, cut excuses.



Welcome to my quarter-life crisis.





*http://www.ritholtz.com/blog/2009/03/unemployment-hits-25-year-high/